


Diego x JFK

by cool_i_m_dead_inside



Category: Diego Hargreeves - Fandom, The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: ALSO DIEGO IS BI, Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Bi Diego, Bisexual Diego Hargreeves, Crack Fic, Diego Hargreeves - Freeform, Diego Hargreeves-centric, Fourth Wall Break, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Klaus Hargreeves, I'm so sorry, JFK - Freeform, M/M, Non-Binary Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy is So Done, Soft Diego Hargreeves, UA, Umbrella Academy - Freeform, Umbrella Academy AU, Vine reference, Young Number Five | The Boy, a crack fic, because I said so, greg the secret service intern, klaus hargreeves - Freeform, this is a joke, tua - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:00:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26864050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cool_i_m_dead_inside/pseuds/cool_i_m_dead_inside
Summary: DISCLAIMER: This is satire. I started writing it when I got extremely caffeine high as a joke and I only update it when I've had a tone of caffeine trying to survive school please please don't take this seriously.Deigo Hargreeves meets the love of his life John F Kennedy in the 60s after Kennedy hears about Diego's attempt to save his life. They fall in love and have to overcome great obstacles in order to have a life together. I'm very sorry for what you're about to read. It is a crack fic (AKA a joke)
Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/John F. Kennedy, diego hargreeves x jfk, john f kennedy x diego hargreeves
Comments: 14
Kudos: 32
Collections: Umbrella academy





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a joke please don't take me seriously  
> I'm bored and have nothing better to do I'm sorry  
> I saw there wasn't much diego x jfk and decided to make my own because why not  
> I apologize in advance  
> listen to careless whisper while reading ;)  
> no I'm kidding don't do that  
> If the spelling sucks that's because I don't have the energy to care  
> also there's a vine reference in here  
> this is also posted to wattpad because ao3 was being a jerk  
> (au)

Diego was alone at the mental ward, confused and pissed off.

He had made a friend, a girl named Lila. But she had already made her great escape a few days prior and they agreed to meet up on the outside.

Diego insisted on staying, holding on to a ray of hope JFK would see his name in the system and thank him for trying to save his life before his untimely demise. 

He had only been here for a day after Lila made her way to the world outside and the love of his life John F Kennedy had not yet come to visit.

They haven't met yet that much was true, but he could feel the connection from decades away. An everlasting love stronger than the bonds of time. Now brought together by five’s mistake, but it felt more like a miracle. 

Perhaps it was fate that Diego would find himself in the same time period as JFK himself, maybe the universe really was up to something. Maybe, true love wasn’t some lie told in old fables that Diego scoffed at. 

How could he believe in true love when his was never meant to be? 

Ever since he first saw John's picture in a history textbook, he couldn't peel his eyes away. It was like the universe finally made sense.

He didn’t tell his siblings, how could he? They would never understand. 

He first heard of Kennedy’s death when googling pictures of his beloved at 3 am, and he swore if he ever got a chance he would re-wright history and give JFK the life he deserved. A life with him 

Suddenly, footsteps thudding up the hallway pulled Diego out of his thoughts.

Was it?

Could it be? 

In Diego's mind he could hear the song Careless Whisper playing loud and clear. Echoing off his ear drums as if his heart was beating out that very tune

Maybe it was just his touch starved subconscious, or maybe that’s just how finding true love feels. 

But as the footsteps echoed off the walls from where Diego sat against the cool tile floor, he knew that fate had made it so.

Because turning the corner was none other than the greatest sight his eyes had ever seen. John Fitzgerald Kennedy in the flesh. 

“How did you find me,” Diego gasped, quite convinced he had finally lost it. 

“True love knows no bounds. I could feel your presence as if the universe opened up and showed me a new world.” 

“That’s deep.”

“Yeah”

“But how did you find me in this hospital”

“I’ll never tell”

“I tried to save you john, but they didn’t let me,”

“Never fear Diego dear, I’ll get you out. But first”

JFK went to sit next to Diego in the hallway, both men holding each other’s gaze.

Diego was the first to speak.

“This is legitness.”

“Yeah it is.”

What went down next must not be discussed in front of children


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego is preparing for some alone time with jfk before date night but an unsuspected guest arrives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Klaus can break the fourth wall because I said so  
> Thanks to @acepanromantic @crypticmut @enolahargreeves on twitter for helping me come up with some of the ideas  
> This is a satire don't attack me  
> This is ending in a wedding so there's that  
> There's a giant amount of really bad refernces in here so go ham  
> I can't think of good chapter name  
> It's 3 am enjoy this fever dream  
> Don't worry I have stuff planned for Greg  
> (This is a joke/crack fic)  
> (Also on wattpad becaue a03 was being a jerk)

A few blissful days have passed since JFK and Diego made their grand get away from the mental ward, and each day had been better than the last. 

They had spent most of their precious moments sight seeing everything dallas texas had to offer, from numerous restaurants to parks and every other romantic location imaginable.

On these endeavors, they were accompanied by a single secret service intern named Greg, who was brand new on the job and an overall understanding guy. 

Greg was good company because whenever things got…. frisky, Greg would turn and face the nearest wall without complaints, usually staring into the bricks while actively ignoring the activity going on behind him. 

However, before their grand date at the local fair JFK had arranged for him and the love of his life to spend the evening at, he had some presidential business to take care of first. 

“It won’t take long, babe. I promise.” Jfk pleaded to Diego, who was busy cleaning his knife while staring into the president's eyes.

“Of course my sweet Fitzgerald, anything for you,” Diego replied, using Kenndy’s middle name as a term of affection. 

While he wouldn’t admit it, JFK secretly enjoyed it. He found it comforting, but then again anything coming from Diego was considered perfect in his books. 

“It’s not a big situation, just a tax evader. Turned himself in just to get time with me. They’re actually waiting outside of the white house right now.”

“What did you say,” Diego huffed, removing himself from Kennedy's shoulder where he had just begun to rest his head. 

Diego opened the grand windows and looked onto the grass below.

“Klaus what the fuck,”

“Long time no see oh brother of mine,”

“How’d you know I was here?”

“Plot convenience,” Klaus replied, tipping an imaginary hat while Diego flashed a confused, but concerned look. 

“Well are you going to let me in or not,” 

“No, I’m having alone time.” 

Just as Diego turned back to stare into the gorgeous eyes of his lover, he heard a thump behind him as Klaus barreled through the window. 

“Why did you just scale the fucking building.”

“Because fuck you that’s why.”

“Enough with the vine references Klaus”

Just then, Greg the secret service intern opened the large brass door, turning the creaking door knob as he stepped into the room.

“If you want a vine there’s one outside.”

“Not now greg,” both Diego and JFK replied in unison.

Jfk stared into Diego's eyes, hoping to get lost in the abyss.

“I’m just like you.”

“You’re just like me.” Diego replied back 

“There’s somewhere else we’d rather be…… if you know what I mean.” Jfk responded with a wink, lost in Diego's voice.

Klaus looked over from where he was sitting on the white house carpet, fiddling around with the long tassels pressed against the floor. 

“Did you just accidentally do the duet of that one barbie movie, what was it called? The Princess and the Pauper?” 

With that, Klaus started humming the song underneath his breath to himself, out of earshot of the others.

“We don’t have time for this, my dearest JFK and I have places to be.”

Klaus looked over at Diego, and seemed to ponder his words for a moment.

“Ah, date night, this should be fun! I call driving.”

Diego sighed.

“First off, you’re not coming, second, you drive like you learned how to steer from mario kart.” 

“Well I once got first place in rainbow road, so take that.” Klaus mumbled under his breath as Diego grabbed his coat from the door and walked into the hallway hand in hand with JFK. 

Diego made his way down to the white house garage with the love of his life filling his hands with warmth, making casual conversation along the way.

“Wait until you see the secret room out back, that’s where we're keeping the portal to Mars,” JFK added with a light chuckled, glancing over to Diego to watch him smile in response.

“Whatever you do, I wouldn’t let Klaus near that. Knowing them he’d try to kidnap an alien,” Diego joked, opening the door to the limousine. 

“Don’t tell me what,” Klaus popped up from within the vehicle, causing Diego to be caught off guard and jump into JFK's arms. 

Diego, now being carried bridal style by John F Kennedy turned his head to face Klaus.

“Sneak up on me one more time and I swear-.”

“Hey, you’re the one that left me behind. And good luck getting me to leave now, I just found the snack compartment.”

Diego slowly climbed out of JFK’s arms while secretly wishing he could stay in JFK’s grasp forever.

“Fine, just stay in the back and when we arrive and stay close to Greg the secret service intern.”

Jfk turned to where Greg the secret service intern was standing awkwardly beside them.

“Sorry Greg I forgot you existed.”

“That’s ok, so did my parents. They forgot to show up at my own birth.”

Klaus poked his head up from the back seat in order to include themselves in the ongoing conversation.

“Does your last name happen to be Dr. Doofenshmirtz?”

Greg the secret service intern looked confused as he glanced over in Klaus’ direction.

“Why do you ask?”

Diego, annoyed by the ongoing conversation intervend.

“Enough talking I have a date to go on with my favourite being in the universe so if everyone could please get into the car.”

Klaus gave off a little salute before jumping a few seats in order to make it to the very back, taking bags full of candy he discovered in the pocket compartments with him.

Diego gave JFK one last kiss before climbing into the car, with the guy of his dreams following after him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> klaus can't drive  
> diego and jfk holding hands   
> jfk's mystery date location revealed   
> overall just some light filler stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short I have a lot of homework and am this close to failing english  
> once again this is a joke/crack fic (satire) please don't take it seriously  
> this is also on wattpad because ao3 was being a jerk   
> if you have suggestions please leave them in the comments  
> (it's going to end in a wedding don't worry I'll give you all your jfk x diego needs)   
> I wrote this at 5 am don't judge me   
> I'll try to update it weekly until my homework load dies down then I'll update more often

Halfway through the car ride, Klaus had insisted on driving instead of Greg the Secret Service Intern, causing a brief pause in their travels.

While Diego would usually condemn these turn off events, he was too busy staring into JFK's eyes wishing they were alone in the backseat of the car than to mind whatever shenanigans Klaus was up to. 

It was because Klaus had volunteered to drive that the group assembled found themselves rammed into the fence outside of the carnival JFK was taking Diego on a date rather than in the parking lot only a short walk away.

Klaus kept insisting it was a car malfunction, but Diego knew he got distracted eating the bag of small chocolates they found under the arm rests. 

“It’s chocolate Diego, what do you expect me to do? Don't eat it!” 

“Yes,” Diego said with a huff, checking the damage with his dearly beloved JFK while Klaus and Greg the Secret Service Intern stood off to the side observing the disaster in front of them.

“Never fear my dear one,” JFK said while clasping fingers with Diego, who was standing up and dusting the gravel from the road of his pants.

“I’ll just have one of my Secret Service guys get the vanishing ray from the basement to clean up the mess while we enjoy ourselves.”

“THAT’S A THING?” 

Klaus yelled out from the distance he and Greg had chosen to stand out of fear the car would explode. 

“You’d be surprised at the stuff we secretly have,” Greg the Secret Service Intern whispered into Klaus’ ear, leaving them curious and concerned. 

“The car is unrepairable, but at least we crashed near the entrance so we only have a short walk to go,” JFK said, linking arms with his beloved Diego who had just finished buttoning up his orange shirt to protect him from the cold.

“More time with the love of my love,” Diego said dreamily as he had to peel himself away from kissing JFK right then and there. 

Klaus kicked some of the gravel from out under their foot, watching the love birds in action.

“Hey, where are we going anyway?”

“Only the most special place for my sweetest Diego.”

Klaus grumbled while munching on his stashed snacks from the now flaming limousine a fair distance behind them, as he and Greg the Secret Service Intern followed behind Diego and JFK down the winding road.

JFK was leading the group while tucking strands of hair behind Diego's ear as they walked to see better into his eyes as they made their way down the dimly lit road.

Klaus turned his head to peak over the horizon of trees, trying to keep his eyes off their brother who was staring at JFK like he was the most incredible thing in the world. Which to be fair, to Diego he was. 

The neon lights poking through the thick branches accompanied by what appeared to be a large ferris wheel peeking out from the distance was something all to familiar for Klaus. As his pace picked up and the sound of crunching gravel filled the night air, he took Greg by surprise by dragging him by the arm to meet up with the lovebirds ahead. Of course, this only greatly startled his brother, giving them great amusement. 

“Jeez Klaus I was in the middle of something.”

“Are we going to a carnival? With snacks and rides and all that, “Klaus questioned shifting glances between Diego and JFK.

“Well it was supposed to be a surprise to celebrate my dearest boyfriend, Diego.”

“Oh Fitzgerald you shouldn’t have,” Diego replied as he once again got lost in his beloved’s eyes.

They held each other’s gaze and began to inch closer and closer, as if they were about to kiss. But just as the magic was about to begin, Klaus dropped his limousine snacks all over the bumpy road causing Greg to yelp in surprise and Klaus to look down crestfallen at the squashed food while humming ‘mmm whatcha say’ under his breath. 

Diego sighed as he quickened his pace to arrive at their destination faster so he could finally have some quality time with his beloved JFK. 

JFK gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and they sped ahead towards the entrance excited for the future activities the night would bring as Klaus and Greg took their time to arrive behind them. 

Klaus didn’t mind however, as he was busy questioning Greg on all the secrets about the White House he knew.

“Do you guys have dinosaurs?”

“Dinosaurs?” Greg said, starting to visibly sweat.

“Why would you think that?” It is hard to ignore the hint of nervousness in Greg the Secret Service Intern’s voice.

With that, the group arrived at the entrance and made their way in.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JFK and Diego have a romantic night at the fair  
> Greg the Secret Service Agent finds loves  
> Klaus and Ben being chaotic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this caffeine high at 4 am  
> I had three cups of coffee at once and then another one a while later while I was still caffeine high from the original three cups of coffee then I wrote this enjoy  
> sorry if the grammar's bad I can barley function  
> @outfoxedthefoxx is dating Greg due to request  
> thanks to @acepanromantic @crypticmut @enolahargreeves for the ideas  
> school is once again kicking my ass but I'll try to update at least once a week  
> don't worry this isn't the end  
> (also on wattpad because a03 was being a jerk)  
> (satire/joke fic)

“Wow sweetheart, this is beautiful,” Diego said with a sigh as he glanced around the fairgrounds, taking in the vast sights that the glowing lights from the rides had to offer.

“Diego darling, I would fist fight a giant squid with nothing but my bare hands for you,” JFK replied in response, strolling through between the rides with the love of his life.

‘That’s oddly specific,” Diego pointed out.

“That’s because there’s one in the Whitehouse basement.”

“What??”

“Nothing.” 

Meanwhile behind the special pair, Klaus was making light chat with Greg the Secret Service intern while peeking into the game booths to see what prizes they had to offer.

“And that’s the story of how I illegally married a pringle chip in the seventh grade,” Klaus said matter of factly, finishing his story.

“That’s bizarre,” Greg replied, looking both intrigued and confused. 

“You’re lucky you didn’t have to be there,” Ben whispered behind the both of them, materializing into Klaus’ view.

Klaus turned around and waved his hands in the air to welcome him.

“Well hey, look who joined us.”

“Who are you talking to,” Greg asked, looking concerned.

“A ghost,” Klaus replied, matter-of-factly.

Greg blinked twice before turning on his heels and moonwalking away.

“ A ghost?? I’m going to wait over here,” Greg said in a panic, heading off to the nearest food booth.

Up ahead, Jfk and Diego arm and arm had stopped at one of the many game booths, intrigued by what lay before them.

“Oh a knife throwing game, you’ll be amazing at this love of my life,” JFK said wistfully, turning to look Diego in the eyes.

“See that prize at the top? I’ll win that for you because you are my world Fitzgerald,”

“Oh Diego darling, I can always count on you.” 

The game was simple, all Diego had to do was throw three knives and have them land perfectly in the center of a wooden board.

“Hey isn’t this game a little dangerous to be at a carnival?” Diego questioned the fair employee.

“No, because plot convenience,” the tired employee replied, snacking away on some popcorn they bought from the booth next door.

“Ok,” Diego responded. And with that, he began to throw his knives.

Across the fair, Greg was occupying himself by leaning against one of the food carts, taking in the night air when someone came up beside him.

“Hi”, she said, noticing Greg had spaced out.

Greg took one look at the person who has spoken and passed out due to love. 

While Greg yearning, Diego had successfully won the knife throwing game and JFK couldn’t have been prouder.

“Oh Diego I know you could do it, you’re so strong and handsome,” JFK said adoringly.

“Anything to show how much I love you,” Diego responded, handing JFK the prize he won as a token of his love. 

As JFK took the giant stuffed bear Diego had handed him under one arm, he used the other to pull Diego close and kiss him under the moonlight, only for it to be broken apart by the sound of Klaus zooming by on a flaming food cart taking off like a rocket through the grass.

“Klaus what the fuck,” Diego called off after him.

“IT WAS BEN’S IDEA,” Klaus shouted back.

“No it wasn’t,” Ben hissed into Klaus’s ear, while riding on the back of the cart and watching the invisible ghosts push it forward at such a fast speed it was as if the food cart really was a form of vehicle.

“Why are we even doing this anyway,” Ben added in, watching Klaus pull out cotton candy from where the food was stored.

“Because Ben, the car is flaming in some random parking lot and I need to get back to the Whitehouse to see if there are aliens in the basement.

“That’s the worst possible answer I’ve ever heard.”

“Could be worse.”

Greg, awaking from his minor heart attack out of love, saw Klaus zooming by in the distance, and turned to the women who was a few feet away, studying his fallen figure.

“Are you ok or something?”  
“Wha- yeah of course,” Greg replied with a nervous chuckle, hurrying back to his feet to greet the women in front of him. 

“Im Greg the Secret Service Intern.”

“I’m Martina,” she replied, leaning on the nearby food cart.

While she wouldn’t admit it, she was talking a liking to this small fellow. 

“Want to, uh, stick around with each other for a while,” Greg said with a shy chuckle, obviously in love.

“I’ve got nothing better to do so why not,” Martina said, taking Greg’s hand and leading him throughout the carnival booths. 

Across the fair Diego led his most favourite person in the world over to the Ferris Wheel.

“Oh, Diego, I didn’t know you were such a romantic,” JFK teased. 

“I didn’t know I was one until I met you,” Diego said with a grin while arriving at the back of the line.

As their turn arrived, Diego held JFK’s hand as he led him into the seat, then went in after.

The ride to the top of the Ferris Wheel was mostly silent, with both Men holding hands and breathing in the cold, night air.

“You know, I used to think life was boring and grey until you came into it. You made me feel a type of indescribable joy and I love you for that,” JFK whispered, tucking Diego’s hair behind his ear.

“JFK, while I would never admit it to any of my siblings, I was worried about being stuck here in Dallas. But you made that fear melt away and become replaced with love, I can’t thank you enough for that.”

They looked into one another’s eyes, taking in the moment as they reached the very top and the wind swirled around them. It was like the world had frozen and both their lives led up to this very moment. 

Then the distance between the two closed and they kissed passionately into the night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego and JFk head home after the Carnival and arrive to an unexpected surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long I'm lazy  
> and I mostly only write when I get caffeine high  
> so honestly my posting schedule just depends on how much coffee I've shoved down my esophagus  
> @outfoxedthefoxx is dating Greg (per request)  
> thanks to @acepanromantic @crypticmut @enolahargreeves on twitter for some of the ideas  
> this chapter is all over the place because I drank some of that monster energy drink and then four coffee packets at once then wrote this masterpiece so enjoy  
> also on wattpad because a03 was being a jerk so I made a wattpad account out of spite  
> this is a satire/joke fic

It would take a while for Diego and JFK to get back to the white house, my Diego didn’t mind as it gave him more time to spend with his dear Fitzgerald.

It was this extra time that gave him new memories with JFK that Diego decided to treasure forever.

As they were heading out the Carnival exit, Diego had decided to end the night on one final game.

It was simple, all he had to do was throw a ball into a strangely angled bucket in hopes it didn’t bounce out, and thanks to all the years of training in his youth, Diego knew he would be successful.

“Go Diego Go,” sang JFK, as he watched the love of his life win the game on the very first try.

“I’m just that powerful.”

“I know you are the love of my life, now let’s go have a romantic dinner of chicken nuggets.”

And with that, Diego and JFK left the fair hand in hand basking in the cool night air and hearing the distant noise of crickets and children laughing out in the distance.

“This is so romantic,” JFK said wistfully, putting a hand on Diego’s chin.

“I couldn't agree more,” Diego replied in a trance, staring into JFK’s eyes.

The couple kept this up as they walked down the road to the newly arrived limousine parked at the up ahead curve.

The couple only broke apart for a second to climb into the back where more intense hijinks occurred. 

When the car pulled into the driveway of a top-secret government restaurant prepared with only the finest foods, Diego and JFK had just about finished their intense moment of passionate love and helped one another out of the car.

“Diego dear, you mean the world to me. Which is why we're going to go get gourmet chicken nuggets this late into the night.”

“All this for me, Fitzgerald, you shouldn’t have. You’re the love of my life.”

“Same to you, now let's chow down and get back to the Whitehouse.”  
As the couple ate, they stared at each other as if nothing else in the universe could matter. 

They enjoyed their meal of gourmet chicken nuggets under the moonlight as the soft breeze rustled branches of leaves in the silent night.

They had a joy-filled conversation, with each one of them having to take numerous pauses to laugh at a joke the other had told.

Diego took JFK’s hand under the table and held it tight as he finished the last of the food on his plate. 

Their time getting back to the Whitehouse was further delayed when they decided to make out in the candlelight illuminating from its romantic place on top of the table.

The secret service was so annoyed by how long they were taking the almost left without the happy lovebirds.

When they did finally make it back, it was in the dull night and the couple walked hand in hand up the Whitehouse grounds ready to collapse for a good night’s sleep due to exhaustion.

However, this was never the case.

JFK held the door open for Diego as he led his boyfriend up the grand staircase.

Just then, Klaus came running up the steps at such a speed he almost tripped.

“Holy shit.”

“Klaus what the fuck,” Diego asked, filled with confusion.

“I saw the basement, the super-secret basement.”

“Wh- what???” JFK said, in a cold sweat.

“ALIENS, UFOS, AND I FOUND THIS BADASS FREEZE RAY.”

“I told you to leave that in the basement,” Ben said from behind them.

Just then Greg entered with Martina hand in hand, both looking suspiciously happy. 

“Where have you been,” JFK asked quizzically, happy for the focus to be off his secret basement.

“Are we just going to ignore this,” Klaus said, waving the freeze ray around and accidentally knocking Greg down the stairs.

“Oh shit there goes my boyfriend,” Martina said, heading down the steps to help Greg up.

“You’ve known him for an hour,” Diego replied.

“And you’ve known JFK for what, two days?” Greg called up from his position at the bottom of the stairs.

“Touché,” Diego responded. 

Before any of them could respond, they heard a loud noise coming from the oval office just a little distance away from where the group was positioned on the stairs.

“What the hell,” JFK grumbled under his breath.

At this point, Martina had helped Greg up and the new couple was hand in hand once again.

Klaus was busy playing with the buttons on his freeze way and had pointed it out the window, accidentally freezing the limousine JFK and Diego had rode on the way in.

“Whoops,” Klaus responded under his breath, as they silently inched away from the window before anyone noticed the frozen limousine out front. 

“Why don't we all focus for one second and see what the noise is,” Diego concluded as the odd sound grew.

“Fine,” Klaus muttered waving the freeze ray around once again but this time spinning it in circles by the handle.

“I highly recommend you put it down,” Ben called from behind them.

“If you weren’t a ghost I would have frozen you by now,” Klaus said jokingly.

“I’m this close to possessing you and freezing your foot,” Ben responded.

“But wouldn’t you just be freezing your own foot?.” 

“Stop fighting we’re in the middle of something right now,” Martina said, having no idea why Klaus was arguing with air but was too tired to care.

“Whatever it is I’ll just freeze with my freeze ray,” Klaus said while twirling the freeze ray in the air.

“You should put that down,” Ben said in a somewhat annoying sing-song voice.  
“Never,” Klaus said, holding the freeze ay close.

At that moment, JFK who had scouted off ahead with Diego at his side was positioned outside the oval office door, ear close to the door to determine what could be the source of the odd sound.

It took all his will power not to kiss Diego right then and there, as he stared at the love of his life pressed up against the door with a concentrated face glistening in the dull hallway light. 

“Ready, on the count of three,” Diego whispered in JFK’s ear. John F Kennedy has never felt such intense emotion as he did now, he could barely contain himself.

“One”

“Two”

“Three”

Diego kicked the door down while JFK did his best to hold it together. 

Diego muttered a, “what the fuck,” under his breath as he saw the sight in front of him.

“Lila?” Diego questioned.

In front of him was none other than Lila that Diego hadn’t seen since the mental ward getting it on with none other than……… Marilyn Monroe??


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five arrives to deliver some bad news. The group is forced to make some difficult decisions for the future and I realize I'm going to be stuck writing this crack fic for a lot longer (and I'm not complaining). Mostly a chapter for furthering the plot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello It's been a while  
> I once again wrote this caffeine high  
> this is based of the jfk x marilynn monroe rumours   
> I got halfway done and realized there was a little problem with the timeline and dates and stuff so I just added in a few throw away lines to fix that  
> my recipe for some good old caffeine: two coffee packets, some coca cola, and some monster all mixed together  
> buckle up everyone it just gets more chaotic from here.   
> @outfoxedthefoxx (from twitter) is dating Greg (per request)  
> also on wattpad because a03 was being a jerk so I made a wattpad account out of spite  
> this is crack/joke fic  
> (satire)

Surprised to see the company in the doorway Lila pushed Marilyn to the side in a desperate attempt to cover up and sort of……….. activities.

“Diego, long time no see. Mr. President, good to meet you, I definitely wasn’t just making out with your ex.”

Just then, Klaus came running into the room with his freeze gun in hand, jumping to combat any action.

“AHHHH,” Klaus yelled, as they put on his best battle cry.

In doing so, he accidentally froze Diego’s arm to the nearest wall in a block of ice.

“Thanks a lot, Klaus.”

“All in a day's work.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

Klaus huffed and then took in the scene before him with a sense of curiosity. 

JFK gave out a long sigh and then took to introductions.

“Diego, this is my ex Marilyn who I had a short affair with, Marilyn this is my boyfriend. I’m assuming the girl with Marilyn you already know.”

“Thanks, darling for the introduction, you're the love of my life.”

“And you’re the love of my life as well.”

“Can we stop being mushy and move this along, we’ve got places to be,” Lila interjected.

“Said the one that just finished making out with the one and only Marilyn Monroe on the President’s desk,” Diego responded.

“Well, to be fair it is a sturdy desk,” Marilyn added in.

“Yeah I know, me and JFK used it yesterday,” Diego said in response, who was still attempting to pull his arm free from the block of ice. 

There was a scuffling sound and Greg came running in to see the commotion, and a zap as Klaus accidentally panicked and zapped Greg with his freeze ray.

WIth Greg suspended halfway up the wall in a block of ice with only his head peeking out, Martina came running in and upon seeing Greg, helped chip away the ice.

“Dumbasses,” Martina muttered her breath. 

Diego, to JFK’s pleasure, used his brute strength to pry his hand from the melting ice block and shake off the cold residue.

“Hmmm,” JFK whispered to himself, clearly pleased.

If things couldn’t be chaotic enough, just then a weary five teleported into the middle of the oval office. Blinking for a few seconds in disbelief as he took in the sights before him. 

“Jesus fucking christ you get lost in time for how long and I come back to this shit. Diego did you fuck the president, who the hell is the lady that just made out with Marilyn Monroe, why is Klaus holding some form of ray beam, and who the hell is that man stuck to the wall.”

Diego tried to hide his blush at Five’s accurate accusation, while Klaus shrugged his shoulder in defense.

“You froze a man to the wall,” ben said in a sing-song voice, materializing behind Klaus.

“You’re just jealous you can’t try out the freeze ray,” Klaus responded with a huff.

“Nuh-uh.”

“Oh really.”

“Children, actual children,” Five exclaimed after hearing the one-sided conversation.

“Who is the five-year-old and why is he talking,” Lila said in an annoyed manner, wanting to be left alone again with Marilyn. 

“FIVE YEARS OLD, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE,” Five said angrily. “I’ve killed more people than you could ever dream off,” he added on in a more passive-aggressive manner. 

“Well, that's your name, isn’t it,” Klaus said matter-of-factly, with a little dismissive hand wave. “Five.”

“Listen here you fools, I’m here because we have an actual problem and none of you motherfuckers can behave.” 

Martina, looking up from where she was helping Greg glanced over at Five with a confused look.

“Wait, so how the hell did this child get in here again.”

“I’M NOT A GODDAM CHILD,” Five shouted back.

Diego let out a chuckle which only got him a glare from Five.

“Ask him what the problem is,” Ben said, done with everyone’s shit and annoyed at the fact being a ghost rendered him useless in most family discussions. Due to this fact, he was perched on a nearby chair taking in the action the best a ghost could.

“Fine, fine. Five what’s the big kerfuffle,” Klaus directed at Five, once again twirling the frozen ray between their fingers.

“Ten bucks it’s another apocalypse,” Diego muttered sarcastically.

Five raised his head from where he was observing the smoothly polished wooden floor underneath his foot and stared Diego directly in the eye.

“It’s another apocalypse.”

“Fuck,” Diego responded, leaning into JFK as if he was his source of sanity.

“Right now, Ok.” JFK said leaning over in Diego’s direction.

“As much as I want to darling, we have to wait,” Diego said wistfully. 

As Lila helped Marilyn up from where she was pushed aside in an attempt to hide their now exposed affair, Klaus paced the room, thinking to themself.

“Wait so the others are here, in the 60s? Alive? I thought something happened to them when we got stuck in the past.”

“Oh great, more of you,” Martina said sarcastically as a chunk of ice fell to the floor and Greg pulled one of his arms free.

“I think so and I have a few ideas on how to find them, but right now I need you all to listen. We need to go back to the future to stop the apocalypse. Ok?”

“I’m not leaving my dear Fitzgerald in the past,” Diego exclaimed with a hint of panic washing over his voice. Diego held onto the love of his life tightly, as if he couldn’t imagine letting him go.

Martina took in the sight before her and sighed.

“Is no one else curious about the fact that these idiots are from the future?”

“Eh, I’ve seen weirder things in the Whitehouse basement, so did Marilynn when she came to visit once or twice before,” JFK commented, and Greg tried his best to nod in agreement even though his neck was still partially covered in ice.

Lila just looked down and hummed to herself while Marilyn propped herself in a nearby chair.

“You could fake JFK’s death and take him to the future with us without messing up the timeline,” Ben concluded, leaning off the back of a chair bored out of his mind, feeling left out and wanting to help from beyond the grave.

Klaus, hearing this took action.

“I know, we could fake JFK’s death and take him to the future with us without messing up the timeline.”

“Motherfucker I will possess you,” Ben threatened. 

In response, Klaus just stuck out their tongue.

“That was Ben’s idea wasn’t it,” Five concluded matter-of-factly.

“What gave it away.”

“You keep having a conversation with air and stuck out your tongue.”

“Hmph,” was the only response Klaus could think of.

“Can I come too, I faked my death a year ago and have nothing better to do. Also, Lila and I have quite the connection,” Marilyn Monroe offered.

“If they’re going, I’m going,” Martina pipped up. “Messing up the timeline, blah blah blah. The worst that will happen is I end my bloodline.” 

Greg nodded and gave a little thumbs up in agreement from his free hand.

“I agree with her.” 

“No, ok. To risky. How’s this, I’ll steal a commission suitcase at one point or another so you can visit,” Five responded, trying to keep the dumbasses in front of him from screwing up the planet further. 

Greg considered this for a second.   
“I don’t know what that means but ok.”

Five looked out at the group in front of him. 

“So it’s settled, we assemble the family, fake a few deaths, and go on our merry way.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diego and JFK are tasked with finding Vanya but get a little distracted along the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I took so long to update I haven't been feeling the best but I'm doing better now!  
> it's safe for work don't worry I'm asexual I'm never going to write anything graphic  
> mild swearing  
> I wrote carl out because homophobes don't deserve to be in this glorious fic /j  
> also on wattpad because a03 was being a jerk so I made a wattpad account out of spite  
> once again please do not take anything in here seriously  
> if you want you can always leaves suggestions in the comments  
> this is crack/joke fic  
> (satire)

Diego closed the car door as he sighed to himself, resting his head on the steering wheel. The coming days were going to be tough. Tomorrow was the day he had to pull off one of the hardest tasks to spend more time with the love of his life, and faking the president's death won’t be easy.

For now, the task was simple. Find his siblings and get back to the White House.

He and his dearest JFK were tasked with finding Vanya, which wasn’t much work considering all JFK had to do was get Greg the Secret Service Intern to dig up some files and found records of a missing women report from a small family out in the countryside that they had put out upon hitting her with their car. 

It was to their luck, however, that before Five’s little visit to the white house he’d made friends with a local named Elliot that had files and records that helped set a lead on where the rest of Diego’s siblings might be.

If Diego was being honest with himself, he didn’t pay much attention to when Five was explaining who would find who and where as he was busy staring into JFK’s eyes from across the table. 

In the end, all he know was he had to find Vanya and where she would be.

Diego looked to his right where the love of his life John F Kennedy was sitting beside him leaning against the window, taking in the sun. 

Diego was falling more and more in love by the minute as he gazed at the sunlight reflecting on JFK’s face.

“You ready,” Diego questioned, putting the car keys into the ignition and steering onto the road.

“Always,” JFK responded, moving his hand to hold Diego’s free one in between the two seats.

Diego turned up the radio as the happy couple drove down the dirt path out into the countryside.

They passed hills and fields with dyeing plants as they felt the chilly November breeze blowing gently in through the opened windows.

Eventually, the lovers pulled into a long winding driveway leading up to the outside of a small house with laundry hung up outside on a clothes rack and a larger barn off in the distance. 

“Is this it,” JFK asked, tugging a piece of hair behind Diego's ears as he starred into the love of his life’s eyes.

“If it’s not we can always just drive around again until we find it. Besides, it would give me more time to spend with you.”

“Oh, Diego dear,” with that loving statement John F Kennedy felt something come over him that he knew now wasn’t the time to act on but couldn’t help himself.

He leaned over until he was on top of his lover and they began to kiss passionately, hoping no one would notice them in this moment of secrecy. 

After a good ten minutes of ensuing hijinks, neither of them were able to hear the approaching footsteps coming up around the side car door.

However, luck wasn’t on their side as at this moment Diego lost balance from his ensuing position and knocked into the doorframe. Hence, this causing it to open and Diego to fall out, the force of the sudden door swinging open and hitting whoever was approaching flat off their feet.

“Ow,” Diego commented, brushing the dirt off his pants and turning to look at whoever had fallen.

“Holy shit, Vanya?? I knocked out my sister oh fuck.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Darling, I fucking love you, but she’s fucking unconscious.” 

As a result of horrible timing, another woman came bolting out of the house and knelt down beside Vanya to see if she was ok.

“What the absolute fuck? Why is the President here and why the hell did you knock my girlfriend unconscious.” 

“Ma’am, with all due respect in legal papers it says you're already married,” JFK questioned.

“With all due respect Mr. President he got hit by a bus the other day in town.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Just then, Vanya from where she was passed out on the floor began to gain consciousness.

“What the fuck,” Vanya started to mutter, leaning forward and rubbing her eyes.

“Diego?” Vanya questioned, now fully awake after being knocked over by the door.

“You remember him,” Sissy asked excitedly, happy that Vanya had regained some of her memory.

“Yeah, I guess getting hit by that door recessed my memory or something.”

“What were you two doing that caused Vanya to get hit anyway,” Sissy asked, looking up at Diego and JFK.

Diego shot an awkward glance at JFK throughout the corner of his eye and John F Kennedy did the same back, both of them too embarrassed to tell the truth of the hijinks that had just occurred.

“Stuff,” Diego muttered, kicking a stone around with his foot, hoping to move past this conversation.

“We need you to come back with us. You can visit your girlfriend later. We'll arrange for that but right now we have a problem.”

“You can drive back with us and I can fill you in on the rest of the situation and anything else you don’t remember, since I doubt getting hit by the door was enough to give back most of your memory,” Diego added in, glancing at Vanya with a brotherly smile happy to see her again.

Vanya returned the smile as Sissy helped her up. They said their parting goodbyes and Vanya promised to call once she reached their destination.

She climbed into the back seat and waited for Diego to open the door for JFK then walk around the car to let himself in and plug the keys into the ignition.

“So, have any questions,” Diego asked.

“Yeah, why the fuck were you banging the president of the United States in Sissy’s driveway.”

Diego didn’t say anything and just turned the radio to its loudest settings, rolled the windows down all the way so the wind covered any incoming sounds, and pretended not to hear Vanya’s question as he drove down the road back to the White House where according to Five’s master plan that he barley listened to, the rest of the siblings should be by now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plans get made to save JFK without altering the timeline also there's a nice family reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a while  
> I think this is the longest chapter so far so yay me  
> I started this as a joke and now I feel like I have to finish it so there's probably only a couple chapters left  
> this is mostly just a planning chapter to set up the ending  
> also on wattpad because a03 was being a jerk so I made a wattpad account out of spite  
> once again please do not take anything in here seriously  
> this is crack/joke fic  
> (satire)

Diego pulled into the White House driveway as dusk started to fall. 

All he could think about was how he was supposed to be having a romantic evening with his John dearest but had other things to take care of, like pulling off an elaborate plan to save the love of his lie.

With the help of his siblings, he knew he could do it but that didn’t mean it was going to be easy, there was so much that could go wrong but yet so much that could go right if he could just get through the next couple of days keeping his boyfriend and family safe.

Diego parked the car and looked longingly at the second-floor window of the Whitehouse where his and JFK’s bedroom resided, thinking wistfully about all the glorious things he could be doing right now.

Diego sighed and gave a half-smile to his beloved and went to open his door to let Vanya out. 

“Where is everyone,” Vanya asked, stepping out into the chilly air as the sun continued to go down and night began to fall.

“Probably inside or something,” JFK responded absentmindedly, too busy staring at Diego as the sunset reflected off the face of the one person he’ll ever love.

Vanya just shrugged and continued walking up the pathway leading to the Whitehouse door while Diego looked at JFK with a smirk as he noticed the stare his beloved was giving him. 

“I could just kiss you so passionately right now,” JFK whispered as his voice carried in the breeze.

“So come here,” Diego responded with a cocky grin.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you,'' Vanya commented, pointing upwards to the second-floor window where the rest of Diego’s family resided staring down at him. 

Klaus gave a little wave from where he was perched looking down with Allison beside him.

“Long time no see Diego,” Allison called out in greeting as Luther appeared in the window next to her.

“Is Diego trying to make out with the president?” Luther observed, squinting down at the driveway below.

“Apparently,” Allison concluded.

“You two missed a lot,” Klaus said with a little wave of his hand. “I’d catch you up but even I’m not sure on all the details. They can never get through the entire story of their oh so grand meeting without making lovey-dovey eyes at each other.” 

Behind them, Ben was trying with whatever ghost impact he had on the living world to slowly inch Klaus's unoccupied ice ray as far away from Klaus as humanly possible before he accidentally froze another person to the wall. 

Back on the driveway below, Diego blushed after being caught red-handed by his entire family and looked away from the window as he began to follow behind Vanya.

As they climbed up the steps to the building Allison came down to hug Vanya in greeting as Vanya apologized for their last interaction at the cabin and began catching up on each other’s lives.

“Hey don’t I get a hug,” Diego said in equal parts sarcasm and jokingly.

Luther, who was standing nearby, wrapped his arms around Diego and lifted his feet off the ground in an embrace.

“Not you and I was kidding,” Diego’s muffled voice sounded out through the corridor as five popped up beside them in a flash of blue light.

“Come on we don’t have all night.” 

“Group hug,” Klaus shouted, knocking five, Allison, and Vanya towards Luther’s and Diego’s direction as he barreled down the steps.

Luther put Diego down and wrapped his arms as best he could around all his siblings, some against their own will as they were pushed into a group hug by Klaus.

Five grumbled in protest but secretly enjoyed this family moment. 

“Ben’s here so you just can’t see him,” Klaus added, as Ben finished hiding the freeze ray and walked over to join in on the family hug.

“Now for fucks sake, can we please figure out how to save my boyfriend,” Diego managed to mumble out from the tangle of arms only a seven-person group hug could produce. 

“Ok,” Five started off.

He had a small bulletin board Greg the secret service intern had found in one of the spare rooms for the group to use, pulled into the center of the room with thumbtacks and chart paper all laid out.

Lila was perched on the counter snacking on some old trail mix she found laying around the office during her affair with Marilyn Monroe, who was sitting next to her and taking in everything five had to say. 

“Can you not chew so loud,” Five pointed out, clearly distracted by Lila’s action.

“Last time I checked I was older than you so I have seniority," Lila remarked. 

“OLDER THAN ME-” 

“Stop fighting or were not going to get anywhere,” Martina stated from where she sat rested on an office chair in the far corner of the room.

“Just for the record, I can write down that conversation if you want me to. I’m all prepared to take notes.” Greg the secret service intern added in, sitting crossed leg with a notepad and paper he always carried on him. 

“No one cares Greg,” Lila added in.

“I care, Greg,” Luther said, trying his best to be encouraging in hopes to keep the entering meeting from derailing for the third time that day. 

“The assassination is supposed to happen tomorrow and we probably should focus,” Allison called out, rubbing her forehead as if she had a headache. 

A day or so had passed since she’s been stuck in this building listening to everyone fight over ideas and they’ve gotten nowhere. All she really wanted was to get home to her husband but that didn’t seem to be happening anytime soon.

“We really should listen to Allison, she’s right anyway,” Vanya said with a warm glance in her sister’s direction, happy that they were spending more time together and had made amends after the whole potential murder situation at the cabin. 

Stupid Leonard. 

Allison returned the smile as Klaus spun around in his chair a few seats over.

“This would be easier if I had my freeze ray, where did it go anyway.”

Ben suddenly found the wall to be very interesting as Klaus looked over in his direction.

“How is a freeze ray going to save my boyfriend,” Diego asked.

“Whenever someone has a bad idea, boom freeze their arm or something,” Klaus said while reenacting, becoming a statue in a joking manner.

“I wish I had a freeze ray for bad ideas because that was the worst one yet.” 

Five looked over at JFK wondering how the hell his brother managed to get the president to fall in love with him of all people as he repositioned the whiteboard and stared at the group in front of him. He was going to have to take matters into his own hands as usual.

With a deep sigh, five began writing on the paper in front of him and pinning it on the board. It wasn’t his usual style to explain a mission but he figured it would be better to have a clear visual since someone was bound to not pay attention to a word he said. Besides, he didn’t want to have to explain himself, or else this would take longer than it needed to be. They’ve already been meeting around the clock for the past day or two and he managed to get enough scraps of ideas to create a bigger and better one that they could all hopefully pull off

“Listen up.”

All eyes turned to five.

“Greg, you work with the secret service right?”

“I’m an intern.”

“Close enough. Your job is to be JFK’s security for the day. Get Martina and Luther to come with you, the more people protecting the president the more realistic it will look.”

“But,” Greg protested. “There are other guys already in charge to guard the president, and it’s too late to change anything without looking suspicious. JFK could say something but these people are stubborn on keeping him safe.”

“That’s why Allison will rumour them to take the day off, can you do that,” five said while nodding in Allison’s direction.

“Of course,” Allison replied, secretly relieved that so far the plan seemed functional.

“Wait but won’t I still get shot,” JFK asked with a hint of concern in his voice.

“No, because it won't be you in the car. I found one of dad’s buildings when I was exploring the 60s and I found a creepy old building with plenty of mannequins in it. Might have belonged to dad but he’s an asswhole and not worth our time.”

All the Hargreeves nodded in mutual hatred of their father.

“I’ll be in charge of getting the mannequin since I can teleport inside and know where they are. That brings us to the next part. A bullet is still expected to be fired so Vanya will go in the car with Greg, Martina, and Luther to deflect the bullet using her powers onto the mannequin if it starts to get too close to any living person. Like a shield of sorts” 

Vanya gave a little thumbs up from where she was seated.

“Klaus, you summon ben a distance off in a location far enough from people they won’t notice the giant tentacle monsters but the damage being done to distract any other secret service members that may have arrived late and avoided Allison. Even if JFK consented to spend the rest of his life with Diego it would be hard to explain a cover-up assassination without getting in some form of trouble.”

Klaus leaned over to Diego and whispered in his ear

“Does JFK even know you’re from the future?”

“Not to brag but he loves me so much he doesn’t even care.”

Five cleared his throat to gain back everyone’s attention.

“Lila, you worked with the commission right?”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Please, it's the most obvious thing. I worked there for years. Everything about you screams commission material but we don’t have time to unpack all of that right now.” 

“Wait really,” Diego asked.

“I’ll tell you later,” Lila replied casually as she glared at five.

Five glared back.

“Anyway, your job is to scout out the right area for Klaus to summon ben. I’m guessing the commission gave you enough experience to know how to find secluded places near the action without giving away your cover. I’d help but I’ll be busy getting the mannequins.”

“What do I do?” Diego questioned.

“Stay with JFK and make sure no one finds him, we don’t need to have an even bigger conspiracy theory on our hands.”

“Isn’t Marilyn Monroe doing that?”

“The more people the better, besides he’s your boyfriend.”

Diego huffed in disapproval but secretly enjoyed the fact that he’ll have more time with his beloved. 

“Is it settled?” Five asked

He got a chorus of head nods and small remarks of approval from the people in front of him.

“Good, get some sleep because tomorrow might be living hell.”

“Wow I’m so inspired” Diego muttered with a hint of sarcasm under his breath.

With that, Diego took JFK’s hand and lead him towards the nearest bedroom. They had things they needed to do.


End file.
